Two years in the past, my column guessing how 2021 would turn out went about in addition to former Los Angeles City Councilmember Nury Martinez sitting down for a Oaxacan meal at Guelaguetza. Not a single one in all my predictions was proper.
I tried again for 2022, and wouldn’t you understand? I obtained two proper this time! Hollywood is lastly respecting Latinos … as long as they’re fictional characters in fantasy worlds. And Kevin de León remains on the Los Angeles City Council.
Divination is a tough job, however somebody’s gotta do it. In order 2023 comes up, it’s time to rev up the Gustradamus prediction machine and hope for a greater share — and higher outcomes. Could your holidays be stuffed with bourbon needs and tamale desires. And keep in mind: if even one of many following proves true, I’m obtainable for events and county festivals.
*U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein publicizes she gained’t run for reelection in 2024. With Democrats in a “Sport of Thrones”-esque battle to find out who will substitute Feinstein, billionaire developer Rick Caruso publicizes his candidacy and switches again to Republican — his party for most of his adult life. He buys up every ad space imaginable within the lead-up to the first — radio, tv, Web, billboard, skywriting, Tremendous Bowl, automobile wraps, biceps tattoos, corn mazes within the form of his vast, vast grin. However Caruso’s message falls flat but once more, and he finishes a distant fourth, behind progressive Democratic congressmembers Adam Schiff, Katie Porter and a cardboard cutout of a taco truck.
*Kevin de León refuses to resign over his role in L.A.’s racist leaked tape scandal, regardless of calls from all the Democratic Social gathering institution and growing strain from activists. The latter group escalates its ways — more in-your-face confrontations at community events, round the clock camp outs at De León’s dwelling, continued screaming and booing throughout Metropolis Council conferences — to no success. Then one in all them remembers an adage from legendary progressive organizer Saul Alinsky — the simplest actions can generally be essentially the most ludicrous ones. On the subsequent council assembly, an activist sings “Child Shark” till being escorted away by police, at which level one other activist continues the track, and so forth. De León steps down inside hours.
*And what occurs to the embattled council member, chances are you’ll marvel? He strikes to West Virginia, hoping miners can take away that big chip on his shoulder. They don’t succeed.
*Former Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva follows by on his latest menace to run for larger workplace. He goes for the presidency of the Nationwide Little Britches Rodeo Assn., which organizes occasions for younger folks. The group disqualifies him, nevertheless, after researchers uncover his buckaroo skills are restricted to sporting costly Stetson hats and tripping on his lasso.
*The Dodgers hearth President of Baseball Operations Andrew Friedman, whose reliance on sabermetrics throughout his eight-year tenure has resulted in a grand whole of 1 World Sequence championship regardless of one of many largest payrolls within the sport. The Dodgers substitute him with a goat that goes by the acronym GOAT — Biggest of All Time. GOAT lets supervisor Dave Roberts, you understand, handle, and picks trades and free brokers by chewing on names it finds inside a haystack. The Blue Crew goes undefeated — I’m speaking 162 wins and 0 losses — and completes sweeps of each playoff spherical. However GOAT tragically dies of a coronary heart assault in the course of the victory parade. To honor their late exec, the crew publicizes they may serve free birria Dodger Canine on Opening Day 2024.
*San Bernardino County successfully secedes from California however can discover no state to just accept it as a result of it’s San Bernardino County. So it proposes an alliance with the Northern California counties that have long tried to leave the Golden State. The ensuing State of Trump instantly declares chapter.
*President Biden continues to really feel unhealthy for Eric Garcetti, who couldn’t even get a affirmation listening to to be U.S. ambassador to India as a result of concerns that Garcetti might have known about a top aide’s alleged sexual harassment of colleagues. Biden tells Garcetti he’s as a substitute nominated for ambassador to Freedonia. An excited Garcetti prepares a information convention to just accept the place, till somebody lets him know that Freedonia is the fictional nation within the Marx Brothers farce “Duck Soup.” Garcetti accepts the nomination anyway. He’s final seen strolling the Vogue District giddily searching for epaulettes, ribbon bars and a bicorn hat a la Napoleon.
*Lastly accepting that California is struggling the worst regional drought in 1,200 years, residents rip out their lawns and substitute them with prickly pear cacti. A renaissance of dwelling cooking commences when non-Mexicans understand that you can eat the young paddles and prickly pears when you take away the thorns. However, Tucker Carlson wages a struggle in opposition to the trouble as a result of the prickly pear cactus is on the Mexican flag. The Nice Garden Substitute Principle goes nationwide, and the Home of Representatives declares the plant unlawful.
*Social media leaders understand their platforms are a pox on civil society and donate their corporations to the federal government so Fb, Twitter, Instagram and the remainder can remodel into public utilities. Every tech titan chooses a distinct public penance. Mark Zuckerberg uploads himself into the metaverse so he can wander aimlessly for eternity. TikTok’s engineers convey down the Great Firewall of China. Elon Musk blasts himself to Mars. As soon as humanity realizes Musk is there, all makes an attempt to colonize the Purple Planet are placed on maintain indefinitely.
*One more leaked tape surfaces, by which a sure L.A. Instances columnist seemingly admits to not believing that In-N-Out is overrated, though he’s tweeted it 412,312 instances. The tape is doctored, I say!